|Aren't they lovely? Aren't school holidays fun?|
The school holidays have begun. I know you know this. You have been counting down the days. So have I, but in a different way.
We now get to spend lots of time together, which I love and also don't love completely all the time.
I do love that you see me as a bottomless pit of knowledge about the location of your clothing, toys, the finer points of the soccer world cup, the rules of rugby and the exact location and availability status of your friends. Sadly it's simply not true and I know very little about these things. I appreciate that you think I do though, it's very flattering.
Furthermore, I don't really like being asked questions about the above subjects continuously from 6:35am until 8:05pm every day. Just occasionally please think of this and perhaps ask me how I am feeling, or would I like a cup of tea.
Apart from you making me cups of tea, I have decided that holiday kitchen hours are to be strictly enforced. Once the bench is clear it stays that way until the next meal. The fruit bowl is always available, so knock yourselves out. Going into the pantry and stealing muffin bars will only cause you to lose access to TV, or your device, or your next playdate.
Believe me, all the above punishments are just as painful to me as they are to you, so just stay out of the pantry.
We are going to spend the larger parts of several days in a car together next week. For the love of god, please don't ask "are we nearly there yet?" while we are still in Sydney. This has happened every time we've ever driven to Brisbane. The earliest this question has been asked is while we were driving through St Ives, which is 15 minutes from home and 11hour and 45mins from our destination.
To assist us all in getting along, I have put together a few other requests for the next two weeks. They are simple and achievable, and if followed, will do a lot to make the holidays a pleasant time for all.
1. If you can stand anywhere else but directly in front of the TV screen, blocking it from all other viewers, please do so.
2. If you can choose between giving your sister a headlock as she walks past, and not, choose not.
3. If you really think Issy has hypnotised me into letting her have her own way all the time, please don't tell me. It just makes me shouty and it's not true.
4. If you ate breakfast/lunch/dinner/snack 15 minutes ago, please don't tell me you're hungry.
5. If possible, please understand that being 'ready to go' means you are wearing appropriate footwear and a jacket (not thongs and a tank top), because WINTER.
6. If you really think that holiday cereal means everyone gets their own box of Coco Pops then I'm not sure which family you've been living in before this? Because it's never happened and never will.
7. If you want me to play a game with you, please do not suggest Game of Life or Snakes and Ladders because they drive me mad. I will not play imaginary games but will happily help set up a cubby made of sheets. I will also happily play UNO, Kerplunk, Yahtzee or Monopoly and I will help cook baked goods because I like eating them.
8. If I tell you to turn off your device, please don't turn on the TV and vice versa. Non screen time will be strictly enforced so you don't all turn into zombies. This includes my non screen time. I know I can be as bad as any of you.
Right, that's it. A plan for the next 15 days. May the force be with you all.